I am going to hell.

And i'm okay with it.

 i thought you were doing way better than me, that you were the one who moved on and was happy with everything..


what happened to you?


i'm worried.

 I went on a date last night. With the girl from AE, Lianne. 
It went really well. I like her.
Why do I feel so apprehensive though?..

 Okay, ever wondered what it'd be like to actually be bored to death? Work at a kiosk. Everyone hates it. Except for some Borders employees, interesting enough...

I got these sweet ass kicks today. They match my hoodie. And my overall style. I kinda emptied my bank account for them, but hey. I'm not too worried about that.

And
I found this girl. And she's asian, which is weird for me. 
She works at American Eagle, right next to one of the calendar kiosks. I remember seeing her (last week?) as she walked into her store, and just thinking to myself "Wow...". I never thought i'd go for an asian girl.
Yesterday, she was working in the front of the store for 4 hours while I was kiosk-ing, and we kept looking at each other the whole time, smiling. So at the end of my shift there, I gave her my number. Another first.
We've been talking all last night and today, and we've gotten really close. She visited me today at work, and we actually talk. And I feel nervous around her..like, in a good way. I can see this working.
She's so cute. Wow.

Things are going good [:

I can't wait for my trip to Quebec! I need to get on making presents for my parents though... *sigh*

I had two Monsters today. I was shaking so much. They're going to be the death of me, for real.

 I feel like I've been influenced a lot lately by things I've read and people I've met, and I want to be completely free. You know? Just do stuff. Experiment, and don't worry about the repercussions. It just really appeals to me.
Stretch.

Tim and I picked up a Bowflex yesterday. It's pretty manly.

 Glad i'm getting back into this shit. Having some sort of outlet is good when my whole life is being run by an underpaid job surrounded by idiotic customers.

Exhibit A (at the calendar kiosk):
"Excuse me, I'm like to do a return"
"Sorry, we don't do returns, sir..."
"Well it say's you do on the back of the receipt"
"Alright, let me take a look..."
    I open this little bag to find two packs of Uno cards, and a receipt for the Go Games kiosk.
"Sir, this receipt is for a different kiosk. We sell calendars."
"Oh, do you really?"
    He was honestly confused by this. Evidently, my name tag saying "Calendars", nor the HUGE FUCKING KIOSK COVERED IN CALENDARS BEHIND ME, wasn't clear enough for this man.
    Idiot.

Exhibit B (Everywhere):
Customers who stand in the sensors in store entrances while it's beeping, thinking 'Oh, is that me?..."
"YES ITS YOU. GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE FUCKING SENSORS, YOU MOTHERCUNTFUCKINGIDIOT".

Sometimes, I want to kill everyone.

Thank GOD we sell large tea to employees for 38 cents. That shit keeps me going.

But on the bright side, I found out recently that Sade, Sean and Louis work at the mall, so I get to see them pretty regularly. And there are new and awesome employees at Borders.
And the really hot asian girl who works at American Eagle.
I know, right? Me going for an asian? That's honestly a first. Didn't think that'd happen.
But I noticed her, she noticed me. Chemistry in the making.
OH AND 
Annapolis T-Shirt Factory girl. I think your name is Amy? I met you before AmeriCorps, and you still work there.
You are abso-fucking-lutely beautiful. Oh man. 11/10 easily.

I started this LOTR MMORPG tonight. Shit's tighttt.

I need to get my goddamn room clean. I'm going to get into doing props as well, and back into working out regularly.

no drama. i'm back [:

 Hot damn it's been a while. Dana reminded me the other weekend about LiveJournal, and I just now remembered to check it out again. 
Went through my posts from a while back. They're really, really funny. I don't remember most of them, of what I was on thinking.

So what's going on in my life now? College apps (I've applied to UMD and Va Tech so far. Idk where else to apply to), I'm back at Borders and Creative Impressions, and I'm working on cosplay stuff. I'm glad I'm keeping busy at least.

I went through some things I packed away before AmeriCorps, and stumbled upon two interesting things.
1] I've always kept little notes and such from girls I've been close with, and going through that made me think about where I've been and what I've done with my relationships. And how sad they've ended up. Fortunately, Caitlin's still close to me. That's good.
2] And So The Lion Fell....

i've been reminiscing a lot lately. good or bad?

 So today, Jordanna told me that I should have a new goal:
Try to date a lesbian.

LOL

I don't know, she had reasoning. Apparently, according to her, I can pretty much get with any girl if I wanted. I am "attractive, funny, smart", and other things she rambled on about. She told me earlier she'd never lie to me, and I trust her. She's an awesome person herself. Attractive, funny, smart, considerate. It's great.
I don't know, is that true?
I don't know.
Looking back though, it seems like the girls I've been dating have been a "test". I went with them to see if I could, as awful as that sounds. And it's worked, I got with them. 
Maybe I'll see how far I can go? Where are my limits?
I'm not being conceited. I don't believe that i'm all that, but I suppose I should test it.

BUT WHAT DO I GO FOR NOW?

in other news: my relationship life thus far has sucked. I blame no one but myself. I'll work on changing that, on changing me.

AmeriCorps is helping me realize who I am, thank goodness. 

well shit, hasn't it been a while?

not much has happened but at the same time, so much has. i'm still in this program, i'm having a good time, yet the work is getting tedious. every day is long, but we make the most of it. we have fun.
girls? fuck.
let's not go there. hopefully it'll all just end.

i'm getting pressured by my parents to apply to a college now. haha.
i don't know what i want in life.
do i want to do to college? i don't know.
i'm not feeling it, to be honest.

i'm really loving these jam-packed posts i come up with. intriguing.

life just seems so half-assed. i don't see a point to half of the ambitions i used to have. i truly have lost my focus.
no desire anymore. 
goals? ha.

i'll just stick with playing pokemon.
 

 FUCK FUCK FUCK
fuck absolutely everything.

I thought I was happy and I didn't have to think anymore.

FUCK.
motherfuckingcuntbitchfagfuck.
I really can't take this. 
I'm considering taking away everything out of my life and starting over. Everything is an attachment that I don't need. Every person is a reminder of what I had and what I messed up, what I'll never experience again. My life.
Fuck.